I'm really, REALLY interested in psychology, new therapies, CBT, NLP, Mindfulness, Life Coaching etc etc, the list is endless, I subscribe to Pscyhologies Magazine, have read a million books on the subject, swapped endless books with friends who have similar interests and can't seem to get enough, analysed myself, coached myself, listend to coaches on the subject, so I'm only slightly obsessed.

The reason why it's so fascinating is that it's about people, you and me, and let's face it, that's what life is about (other than the animals, nature bla bla bla what did the Romans ever do for us etc) and some of the newer therapies are so amazing that they transform people's lives, and these days they do it superquick, which is fascinating, do they really work? Can we be so easily transformed? How quickly do we pick up a new habit? Psychology simply asks more questions than it answers, which is why I'm perpetually interested. I have a little theory here, but basically "if you're still learning, you will always be interested" - that's a good quote to use in analysing if you're happy in your job/career.

One thing I will say and this is the only thing that has ever stopped me from doing a qualification in psychology is the fact that historically people had to go through therapy themselves, a long and arduous task and to cut a long story short, these people often learned so much about themselves and the people around them that it elevated them to a place where they no longer felt they needed certain people in their lives, apparently I was told that something like 80% or so of people who study psychology end up separating/divorcing their partners because they probably analyse themselves out of their partnership, or their partners aren't supportive enough etc.

See I like the status quo, for as long as it's possible of course, at certain times I accept we have no control over these things, but whilst the ball is in my court I definitely just want to help others and come up with world cures rather than analyse myself.I certainly don't want to analyse myself above anybody else, I'm quite happy being where I am, with whom I am, and surrounded by the people I am...if things change I'll reconsider.

I'd say that "over-self-analysis is as big a problem as the problems that send us to psychologists in the first place", over thinking, over analysing, finding problems where there are none, "seeking perfection, under compromising, and not living for the moment", these are the problems of our world now I think, and I have the answer, it's so simple, it's stupid, but there is one word or gesture that can resolve this, it's called "acceptance".

We have a vast amount of information at our hands but now the lesson we need to learn is how to cultivate it, work out which bits are important, which bits are extraneous and which bits will really help us positively whilst not ignoring the fact that we suffer low periods in our lives, being able to learn and take something from them too, that makes the rest of our lives just a little bit better. We have in recent years been inundated with 'positive' psychology, how to be happier, how to be more positive, how to move forward, how to move on, etc etc, it's all about positivity, but I think a more balanced approach would be to acknowledge the lows, reason them, work through them, all of life is 'a process' as psychologists call it, we have to work through the process, we have to acknowledge that we cannot be buzzing on a high cloud 100% of the time, remember (and here's a gem if you haven't already heard it) ...

"we have to experience the lows to appreciate the highs"

...and I've quoted this a million times in my life but it's the motto I live by, learn it and use it and the other thing is ...

"savour the moment"

...that's my secret to a content, notice I didn't say happy, life, content is much more secure, much more long term and much more realistic.

PS before anyone says it, I'm not a 'realist', I hate that word, that's just a word for a 'pessimist' in my view, I reckon I'm a pessimist living in an optimists body, or an optimistic pessimist, you know, like I reckon things will probably turn out for the best, but after you've gone through all the crap.

Here goes with the psychology anyway...

I just read "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love" by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. I was lent by an equally 'can't-get-enough-of-pscyhology' friend, it was brilliant, NOTE TO STRAIGHT MEN: that if you read enough self help books you end up making up your own mind about stuff and not being brainwashed into self-help-robotics, as it's human nature when faced with too much choice to stick to what we know (like shopping)....anyway I divert, back to the book, the idea is that everybody has one of 3 different types of relationship personality (why only 3 you ask, well I don't know, somebody else wrote it, but my guessing is that like chinese horoscope animals, where there are 12, there are also a further load of smaller lesser known animals like a ferret or a toad, reminds me of some people I know, blended into make one of the main ones and so if there's 3 relationship personality types, that means there are a million sub-personality types that someone can't be bothered to detail but which fall into the main 3) anyway, the 3 types are 'avoider', 'anxious' and 'secure'.

Avoider are those people we all love to hate who are all over you one minute and the second you show them how much you also need them, they run a mile, basically committment phobes, classic signs are that they idolise a previous partner, or seek perfection (not in you) and therefore find fault with everything you do, these are the ones to avoid....having said that the fascinating thing is that we can and do all change depending on internal and external factors in our lives, who we're with, how things are going bla bla bla.

Anxious is often the person frustratingly stuck with an avoider, this is what we usually call a 'needy' person, however the book is keen to point out that neediness is not a bad thing, it actually comes from way back when we were cave men and needed to be on guard and be more pack animal like etc, anyway it's a survival technique, as is the avoider type. The 'anxious' reacts and becomes even more needy with an avoider in reaction to the rebuffing they get all the time and the pattern continues.

Now apparently 50% of us are secure and these are the people we need to source if we want to be in a happy 'secure' relationship, they are happy to talk about emotions and feelings, happy to declare what kind of relationship they're in and what they want and don't play games, again these things can all be learned or we can adjust, for example over many years with a 'secure' person, an 'anxious' person can become more 'secure' in their personality and you wouldn't necessarily think they were 'anxious' anymore and so on, so it goes like this.

An anxious and a secure can work, a secure and a secure can work but no-one wants to know avoiders, so avoiders are long-term bachelors, good-time women and all the dates we go on with people we only see a few times, or for maybe 3 months, just before the 'I Love you's' appear, or in long term relationships where we wonder why they're still together. Apparently 'avoiders' do want a relationship but don't know how to get it or ask for it or can't help fighting it and if you're with one and at your wits ends and just can't leave, then the best thing you can do is just stick it out knowing that they are a traveller at heart and let them have their weird escaping moments alone and affairs and drug taking and all that, all escapist tendancies....and be a martyr for the rest of your life.

I would buy the book if you're single and dating as it may save you one hell of a ride and basically it advocates at some point early in a relationship, if you want to save time and money, to declare that (if this is what you want of course) 'I want a secure long-term relationship, marriage and kids and everything that goes with that, and if you don't want that it's better that we stop seeing eachother and wasting any more time' and see what they say, apparently a 'secure' person would happily agree to sticking it out as they felt similar or they'd answer in a perfectly harmless manner that would not cause offence nor give you false hope, if however they were 'avoider' they would run like hell metaphorically speaking and though not show they cards straight away as 'avoiders' tend to hold on to things when they feel them slipping away, perhaps after a few days of thought on the matter, during which time they wouldn't call as often, they'd say they'd call and then not etc etc and make your life hell (there's the clue) and they'd be off, the clue is to do it early on, so you're not bothered when they don't call and can move on without a glance back. The book gives you vital conversational clues to look out for to work out if this person is a loser or not, a well worth the cost tool if only for that!

And the other thing this book does is it helps you get over previous relationships by effectively telling you why your exes were exes and so you can stop blaming yourself and in most cases you will find 'avoider's lurking far and wide in your history archives....fascinating stuff.

To get to the point of 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus' by John Gray, basically if you want a man to do something, say 'Would you xxx or Will you xxx' and never say 'Can you xxx or Could you xxx' as it questions his ability to do the job, whereas 'would' and 'will' are simply requesting his back-up, and there's a rubber-band thing about men needing their space every now and then and we have to let them loose on their rather long rubber band as they'll always bounce back...so I'm guessing they get abit 'avoidery' every now and then and then their overwhelming need for 'security' brings them back home OR ELSE the writer should have read the book I consider above about attachment as actually, and he missed a point here, possibly he and most men he dealt with in the book are 'avoiders' who were with 'anxious' women who had a problem letting their husband have the odd affair, strange that, and so didn't let them 'twang' back on their rubber band when they realised their 'secretary, best friend, friends sister/mother...insert your own worst enemy here' wasn't quite up to muster and so relationships ended....In summary, I'd say it's best to avoid 'avoiders'. Voila, sorted the whole of the human race out in a sentence!